Officials in Washington D.C. say Trump’s coverup of the Epstein files means they’re required under the law to officially designate the White House as a sex offender’s residency.- According to White House insiders, Trump is “apocalyptically angry” at Pam Bondi and Kash Patel for giving the media inconsistent and conflicting accounts of the Epstein files that make him look guilty.
- Trade officials from Germany, France, China, Japan, and South Korea reportedly all take turns delivering tacos to each other every time Trump chickens out on his tariff deadlines.
- A total of 26 countries (and growing) say they will not sign any new trade deals with Donald Trump until the Epstein files are publicly released.
- The self-described most MAGA mayor in America reportedly swore today after watching Trump’s cabinet meeting meltdown, “Gosh dang it, the libs were right! Trump is an Epstein sex offender!”
- According to White House insiders, Trump is “apocalyptically angry” at Pam Bondi and Kash Patel for giving the media inconsistent and conflicting accounts of the Epstein files.
- MAR-A-LAGO EPSTEIN RED ALERT: BURGERS HAVE BEEN THROWN! PLATES HAVE BEEN SHATTERED! KETCHUP IS ON THE WALLS. REPEAT: KETCHUP IS ON THE WALLS!
- Trump claims “the liberal communists who hate America” tricked him into being friends with Jeffrey Epstein back in the 90s.
- Several LLM companies reportedly keep having trouble preventing their artificial intelligence from calling conservatives “idiots” for typing in unfounded, delusional conspiracy theories.
- Donald Trump, the guy who trademarked the phrase “everyone is talking” to pretend all the things he says aren’t lies, says “no one is talking about the Epstein files” despite the fact that literally everyone is talking about them.
- A top ICE official says it’s likely some of the girls Trump and Epstein allegedly trafficked were undocumented, which means it’s in her jurisdiction to get access to a copy of the Epstein files, and she said, “If Trump is in them, my duty requires me to prosecute him.”
- Trump is reportedly asking his staffers if they think his base would revolt if he fired Pam Bondi and replaced her with Matt Gaetz so he can get an attorney general who is experienced in defending against allegations of pedophilia and sex-trafficking.
- Trump is reportedly telling his staff that the Epstein files are “rigged against him.”
- Several Evangelical faith leaders reportedly came to the White House today to pray with Trump to make the Epstein allegations go away.
- Make-A-Wish Foundation kids are reportedly asking almost exclusively for the release of the Epstein files.
- Eric Trump reportedly asked his father this morning, “Daddy, are you and Uncle Jeffrey pedophiles?”
- Until Trump reveals the Epstein files I think the only journalistically responsible thing to do is speculate wildly about what’s in them: Trump and Epstein used to peg each other for hours, and the rumors of diapers, incontinence, and stench are because his butthole is “ruined.”
- Trump reportedly screamed at his staff today, and demanded they come up with ideas to convince people he didn’t assault dozens of underage girls with Jeffrey Epstein that don’t involve releasing the Epstein files or acknowledging the rumors when reporters ask.
- Trump Administration officials are reportedly updating their resumés as fears mount that the Epstein cover-up might be an iceberg that sinks the ship. 🥃
